I feel like I have dedicated myself to pushing you away. The more I push you away, the deeper and deeper the dent in my heart becomes. It is so deep that it has long passed the stage of hurting. This is what scares me the most; giving you the cold shoulder and having no feelings about it. I have purposely filled my time day to day with ways to avoid and defy you. Sometimes, as I enter my deepest thoughts, I wonder what you think of me. Me; one of your beloved children who has lost her way in this enormous world composed by billions of paths that lead you to the same fate; the emptiness of death. At least this is what I believe. All the fellow catholics in my community teach me that Earth is just a stop along our great journey which ends in the Kingdom of Heaven. There we will live our real, joyful, and eternal lives at your side. The problem is that I find this hard to believe. Maybe it is because I know that your Kingdom is so far out of my reach that I strongly refuse to believe it even exists; but sometimes I look up at the sky and slowly contemplate about the things that I could but don't do to at least be placed on your eternal list of people to be judged by you.
As I spend more time down here at New Orleans, I think more and more about you God. For this I am eternally grateful; for having this opportunity to clear my mind and somewhat restore communication with you.
The very first day of our trip, a friend of mine that I don't really know that well but have always known to be a faithful follower of yours, shared with us one of the most honest and simple prayers I have heard in my life. Of years of going to mass celebrations and other services, I had never been so touched by a single prayer. I was amazed by this person's humility as she openly prayed to a group of teenagers who are not really close to you either. As much as I was amazed, I could not help but feel envious. I felt envy because this person has a wonderful relationship with you. The relationship every father and daughter desire but can never quite get. This is truly what I most desire in the world. I desire us to have the same relationship you have with your closest children. For some reason unknown to me, we do not seem to reach this level of closeness that we truly desire with our last breath. It is not because we do not see eye to eye but because I have yet to receive the most wonderful gift of all in the universe; the gift of faith. As much as I want to hold on to it, it just teases me and leaves me to deal in loneliness and desperation all the problems that go on in my head and around me. I ask of you to please make me try harder to and make me put more effort to try and make this work because without you I am nothing. Without you I am just a hollow corpse walking without destination. I cannot tell you for sure if we will be in contact soon but I hope that the next time we do, I can finally call you my father.
Sincerely,
Maria
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